The meaning of “beautiful”

10/11/2016

The generation where we all try to be perfect. Everyone puts a fake perception of their lives on the internet just to be accepted. We are all stuck in this damaging circle of life.¬†Everyone wants to be accepted, and in this generation it’s hard! Your damned if your thin your damned if your fat there is no winning in this situation.

Ive always been fat, and at one point I was extremely fat I made friends by joking about my weight so no one else would, it was a coping mechanism for me I hated myself I’ve had body confidence issues for as long as I can remember and they are only getting worse. I used to get mistaken for a man I was that fat, my boobs moulded into my fat so I was just a round ball! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being fat, but I was unhappy with the way I looked.

I never really thought of myself as being fat, it was only when I started high school I started to notice that I was quite a lot larger than the other girls and it didn’t help I was 6ft! I hated the unwanted attention of being a size 28 and being so tall! I pretended like I didn’t care made fat jokes made a few friends and went through the awkward stage of high school. It was only when I started college I had the confidence to do something about it.

I started a fitness class called 4fitt I will always remember my first class, it’s like a circuit but I didn’t even finish the first couple of minutes, my fitness was none existent and I couldn’t do it, but I remembered why I’d started, to be thin and beautiful so people would like me. That is what I thought if i was thin I’d be beautiful people would like me and my boyfriends wouldn’t cheat on me. Fitness was a chore I was going and even though I started to love it I was hating it at the same time. It was only a year in when I realised I was doing it all for the wrong reasons.

Fast forward 3 years later 4 stone lighter, I sit here writing this in shock, I love every moment of 4fitt and I live at the gym it’s my mind therapy it keeps me sane. However I’ve realised I will never be thin and happy, until I start to love myself I will never love my body. This is hard you see all these movies, stereotypes it gives you a false perception of what happy is; I mean how does it bother some people so much that people are fat, thin, tall, short, it really shouldn’t however thousands of us are trying to change ourselves to be this generations idea of beautiful. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to sit here giving you a lecture on how to be body confident because I honestly don’t know myself. Even though I’ve lost 4 stone I don’t think of this as an achievement I see it as 4 stone towards the 8 I want to loose.

Ive realised over these 3 years that loosing weight is hard and people don’t see how far I’ve come, I need to remember this, I shouldn’t try and fit in and I definitely shouldn’t change myself for other people which I’ve realised now, body confidence is a long process and I’m hoping I will get there, maybe if there was a more positive outlook out their that every body type was beautiful all of us wouldn’t be so damn hard on ourselves. I’m hoping one day I’ll get here but for the moment I’m just going to carry on with it and concentrate on loving me for who I am.

xxx